News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
