thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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