I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
