Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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