the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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