Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
