Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
