just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
