please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
