At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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