I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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