I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
