At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
