My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I looked at my own cervix.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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