At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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