So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
