Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
