Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
