If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
