I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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