I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's rum buckets o'clock
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
