i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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