As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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