everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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