in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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