listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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