I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
