Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
