Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
