You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
