Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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