I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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