Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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