bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
