Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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