We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
