she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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