You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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