K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
