i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
