mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Slut skills are useful in every country.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
