my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
