I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
