Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
