I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize