dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
