final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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