What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
