Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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