Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He passed out mid-signature
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
