YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
