he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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