I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
