i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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