Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
