sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize